Two Birds, One Stone
by lilkyonkyon
Summary: Hiashi knows it’s time for Hinata and Neji to get the Talk. He decides to kill two birds with one stone and tell them at the same time. Rated for innuendo. Oneshot.


Okay, I couldn't help myself. I just had to write this story. I adore Neji, and Hinata's pretty cute too, and their interactions are just so precious. I wanted to put them in an awkward situation together, so naturally, this popped into my mind. Hope you enjoy it!

No, I don't own Naruto.

Edit: Sirra pointed out that Chichi (father) is not used as a second person term, but rather as a third. So I've changed it to the more common Otousan.

**Two Birds, One Stone**

"Yes, Neji. Come in." Hiashi watched his nephew bow and kneel across from him, resting his hands on his knees. "Wait just a moment, and then I will speak with you."

"Hai."

Hiashi offered his nephew tea while he waited, hoping the boy wouldn't catch onto his anxiety. He was, after all, a perceptive young man.

Yes, a young man now, Hiashi thought with chagrin. You see, Neji was at the age of transition, thirteen years old, just the right time to accept his duty as an adult male in Konoha. Hinata, incidentally, was reaching the proper age of a young woman, and that was why he had arranged to speak with them both today: the all-important Talk.

Every parent dreads the Talk. To be honest, the entire previous night, Hiashi sat up pondering whether his twin brother considered this day when he decided he wanted to be killed. Hiashi wouldn't have blamed him.

That was why he decided to give the Talk only once this year, to both his daughter and his nephew, at the same time. Then he wouldn't have to go through this stress again—that is, until Hanabi grew up.

Hiashi visibly shuddered.

"Is something wrong, ojisama?" Neji asked calmly, sipping his tea.

"Ie, ie." He waved his hand dismissively.

There was a knock on the door that saved Hiashi from lying any more. "Come in." The door slid opened to reveal his daughter, staring meekly at the ground.

"You wanted to see me, otousan?" she asked shyly as she edged into the room. Neji immediately frowned in suspicion.

"Ojisama?" Neji prompted.

"I will explain in a moment. Hinata, please sit down. I have something very important to talk to you and Neji-niichan about." He poured her a cup of tea as he said this.

"Hai." She took a seat beside her cousin, avoiding Neji's piercing gaze.

"We're both here," Neji hinted after a beat, turning to his uncle.

"True." Hiashi cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Today I'd like to talk to both of you about something… very important." Here, he paused. He had never quite planned past this sentence, hoping that the two children might interrupt him with a quick, 'Oh, we know all about _that_!' Then the three of them would chuckle and go on their merry way.

Unfortunately, nothing of the sort occurred. Neji simply stared, and Hinata's hands twisted in her lap.

Hiashi began to sweat. "You see… uh… I wanted to talk about…." He trailed off.

Neji raised his eyebrow. "About what?"

Hiashi tried from a different angle. "Well, there are boys, and there are girls, and… uh…." Again, he fell silent.

"Otousan?" Hinata prompted, looking more flustered by the second.

Hearing her voice made him sigh regretfully. "Forgive me, you two. Please allow me to start over." He took in a deep breath and began, this time with a bit more confidence. "When the Gods created humans, they created two types—man and woman, yin and yang."

With his Byakugan, it was easy for Hiashi to see the sudden horror that etched itself on Neji's features. Hinata, thank the gods, had not caught on yet and was mutely watching her cup of tea.

"When men are young, they can exist without seeking support from women. However, as he begins to age, he feels that he must find his other half—a woman to help him through the rest of his years, to support him, and most importantly, to love him."

"Ojisama, may I be excused?" Neji boldly interrupted.

"Ie. Sit down before I make this worse for you." The boy plopped down immediately, imitating his cousin by staring down at his tea. "I was saying that men need women's support to survive, correct?"

"Hai," they mumbled.

"So, a man begins his search through dating, to try and find the woman that best completes him. When he finally does, they get married." Hinata finally seemed to catch up with the conversation, because now she was quivering. "Afterwards, they typically have children."

It had come to the part Hiashi had been dreading. He knew that once he said the word 'children,' the only thing left to talk about was… s-e-x.

"Now," Hiashi said, then coughed slightly, trying to postpone the inevitable. "How much do you two know about… er, the relations that happen between a married man and a woman?"

As if Hiashi had flipped an invisible switch, both of the children's faces turned a bright red.

"Neji, I'll start with you."

The young boy looked up with a plain sense of desperation, as if searching for a way—any way—out of the room. Hiashi hoped silently that he wouldn't resort to violence.

"Have you… seen anything on television? Heard anything from your teammates? Lee and… uh—"

"Tenten," Neji supplied automatically.

"Ah, a girl, ne? Have you ever experienced any special feelings for her?"

Neji gritted his teeth as he said, "No." Hiashi's eyes, however, saw something odd. Neji was trembling—yes, actually trembling. Was he lying?

"Are you sure, Neji?" he pressed. "Tenten is a nice girl, and it would be perfectly natural—"

"I haven't, ojisama," the young boy growled.

Frustrated, Hiashi crossed his arms. "The Byakugan doesn't lie, Neji. How long has this been going on?"

"How long has what been going on?" he snapped, glaring up intensely at his uncle. Beside him, Hinata was subtly scooting away.

"You and Tenten, Neji. Have you two… _done_ anything together?" Neji made a noise that sounded like a strangled war cry and he was suddenly on his feet, trying to race out of the room. But Hiashi was too fast—he grabbed his nephew's arm and yanked him back down. "Answer the question," he barked.

"No!" Neji shouted back. Thankfully, it was evident that he wasn't lying this time, so Hiashi loosened his grip. He realized that Neji might have been shaking from mortification earlier—as it were, his nephew was definitely shaking a lot more now, like he had just finished the battle of his life. Hiashi felt a hint of guilt.

"Very well," he sighed. "As long as you know those relations outside of marriage are forbidden."

Neji crossed his arms and humphed, though it sounded more like a stifled sob.

"Now, how about you, Hinata?" He turned to his daughter, and she flinched under his gaze. "Have you heard anything about these relations from television, or from your friends?"

"Ie, otousan," she murmured to her lap.

"Do you have any special feelings for a boy?"

Hinata glowed like a neon light. "Ano… ano…"

"Good," Hiashi interrupted, refusing to press his daughter further. He did _not_ want to know.

Hiashi gulped when he saw Neji's eyes suddenly flash. It seemed like the boy was going to begin his rant about the difference between the treatment of the Main House and the Branch House, but Hiashi held his hand up before he could get going. "One word on that subject, and I'll use Tenten in an example."

Neji clamped his mouth shut and returned to staring at his hands.

"Since I now understand what you two know, I'll try to explain this in the best way possible." His mouth was forming these words, but the only thought racing through Hiashi's mind was, 'Please let me die.'

No such luck.

He took a deep breath and plunged right in.

"There are a few important differences between a man and a woman. We can see some of these differences with normal eyes—such as… uh…." He made a motion with his hands that caused Hinata to hunch over self-consciously and Neji to choke on a sip of tea. "Among other things," he said quickly. Kami-sama, this would be the death of him. "The most important is one we hide." Here, he paused. There wasn't really a good way to bring this subject up, so he went for the less graphic way. "Do you remember when you two were little, and you used to play in the lake together naked?"

The looks on their faces told him that was something they were frantically trying not to remember right about now.

Hiashi chuckled, despite himself. "You two were only three and four, and Hinata wouldn't go in the lake at first because she said she was scared of Neji's—" Here, he stopped, because his nephew was shooting him a look that would've killed a lesser man. Hinata, on the other hand, appeared to be suffering from cardiac arrest. "Well, you get the point," he said briskly. "That is the most important difference between a man and a woman, and that is how they… show each other how much they care for one another."

Here it comes, he thought. He clenched his hands, bracing himself for the most crucial moment of all.

"A married man and woman share these parts with each other," he said, focusing on his tea cup. Haltingly, he began to describe certain basic principles of this 'special relationship.' When proper words failed him, he would use hand gestures or euphemisms, hoping his point would get across. By the faces his nephew and daughter were displaying, he assumed they understood what he meant. He also assumed they'd never speak to him again. Hinata had started crying at one point, though Hiashi wasn't sure whether it was during the discussion of foreplay (he called it a "romantic prologue") or the discussion of proper penetration (which he showed with a simple hand movement). Neji, conversely, looked like he had lost all will to live.

"…and when a man's waters swim deeper into the woman's cave, it becomes a child. A woman must then push the baby out from her cave—"

"Please," the boy interjected, now begging. "Please, no more, ojisama. We understand how it works now."

"I'm not done, Neji. Although I do have a videocassette of Hanabi's birth, if you'd prefer to watch that instead of listening to me."

That shut him up.

"As I was saying, a woman must push the baby from her cave. This is childbirth."

"D-does it hurt?" Hinata asked in a whisper. She looked frightened by her own voice.

Biting his lip, he truthfully replied, "It hurts more than being punched in the stomach for hours straight, as I've been told." Hinata began to look faint, but Hiashi pressed onward. "Unfortunately, there are sometimes complications with birthing." He then went over the various ways birthing could go wrong, including c-sections (dubbed "making a new cave"), ripped vaginal regions (demonstrated by punching his fist through a piece of paper), and miscarriages. All of this was punctuated by winces from Neji and whimpers from his daughter. After he finished, Hinata was gasping for air, and Neji handed her a newly-filled cup of tea, although he couldn't bring himself to look at her in the face. He wouldn't be able to for another month, Hiashi predicted.

"Neji, do you have any questions?"

The boy shook his head vigorously, although Hiashi rightfully assumed that if Neji did have any questions, he'd never ask his ojisama.

"Well, there is one last thing I aim to talk to you two about." He closed his eyes briefly as he said, "Kissing." He assumed direct language would be acceptable at this point, because it was time to lay down the law of proper behavior for a Hyuuga. "You are not meant to kiss just anyone. You must date that person for at least"—Hiashi searched for a good amount of time—"five years. And you should not kiss that person more than one time in a day. And only on the cheek. Of course, if you are married to this person, it's okay to break these rules."

Sure, that sounded strict, but Hiashi had his reasons all planned out. After all, how could these two have intercourse with people they were forbidden to touch? Oh, he was good. His eyes surveyed Neji's ghostly countenance and Hinata's flushed one. By the looks of it, neither of them would want to have any relationship with anyone for a long time anyways.

That suited Hiashi just fine.

He clapped his hands suddenly, causing both of the teenagers to jump about a foot in the air. "Well, that was all I have to say. Do you understand everything?" he asked them, glancing from one to the other. They both nodded in earnest, their eyes uniformly wide. "You may leave, then."

"Arigatou gozaimasu," they recited, as if in a trance.

Hiashi watched them wobble out of the room with a small smile on his lips. When the door closed, he took a sip from his tea and sighed, "That went a lot better than I thought it would."


End file.
